Guildford LadyBoys Festival 2005
Report & Photo Gallery


Guildford LadyBoys Mixed Festival
Guildford Hockey Club
Broadwater School,
Summers Road, Godalming
Surrey GU7 3BW

Report / Photos 1 / Photos 2

Tour Report

Friday / Saturday / Sunday

In what was possibly the hotest weekend in living memory the Hornets buzzed down to the idyllic setting of Godalming for their second visit to the Guildford LadyBoys Mixed Festival.

The tour squad was as follows: Tim Bailey (GK), Simon Riley, Jon Kirby, James Kirby, Gareth Norris, Mark Jones, Ross McArdell, Mike Selby, Hannah Browster, Ellie Gardiner, Pingers, Mel & Sam. New Members: Emily Foster. <<<

----- Friday -----

By 5.00pm the majority of the Hornets had made their way to the school.bets were laid to see how long it would take Jonny and Bailey to arrive from upt narth, but even they made in time to see Mark sing his rendition of 'Mack the Knife' and for Jonny to join James and Ross in singing 'Summer Holiday.' Everyone was reminded of the previous years enjoyment at watching Scotty painfully through 'Sweet Caroline' and luckily for the rest of us, this was the only singing that occurred. As with usual Hornet tours, after a hard week at work there was plenty of purple flowing and games galore so everyone was well and truly on their way by the time the last tent was erected. We sat around the camp, filling the mop bucket up with purple and playing the usual dice game with no pointing, swearing and the usual.

Emily, as the new girl, was going to be picked on, let's face it, and it wasn't long before we had her wasted and snogging random bystanders! She snogged one guy just to get his sunglasses, and he promptly followed her around for hours like a bad smell, and he shook your hand like the queen.limply! However, she's only human, and couldn't resist the charms of the now chubby Jonny for long, and it seemed that he was one of the only things that she didn't appear to be allergic to. We stayed up at the bar till chucking out time and then wandered back to the tents where some went to bed, and some continued to drink into the wee hours. Gareth got out 'the gun' and promptly started shooting anyone he could, but took a tumble where the grass was slippy and fell over into the rubbish and several tents. It was a good thing Jonny was there to help him up and set him right on his feet! <<<

----- Saturday -----

Instead of waking up sweating like a pig, everyone had to admit that Mark's suggestion of camping under the trees was probably the best and only good idea he had ever had. Even though everyone was awake rather earlier than anticipated, as our beauty sleep had been disturbed by some bunch of morons throwing around one of those irritating whistling things. Needless to say, as soon as it came anywhere near the Hornet tents, Riley launched it into the trees with the brambles and nettles so that was the end of their fun.that'll learn em!

Hornets Vs Purple Nasty (D0-0) - Considering it was quite early in the morning and the Hornets were all rather the worse for purple, we played really quite well. It could have been that MJ had given us a proper formation, or it could just have been that the opposition were in a worst state than we were! Never the less we all managed to stay in formation, James was solid (not just in size) in defence and Pingers was reminded of what it was like to play hockey again. It should have been a 3-0 win to the Hornets, but as usual, Norris decided he was going to use his skills up front missing 2 easy goals, but as a consolation managed to get awarded a flick which he promptly missed.oh yes, the Hornets were on tour again and unlikely to do any scoring on pitch with the tubby Irishman playing up front. So Riley, in the normal fashion, demanded that he came off the pitch so he could show him how things were done, and within about a minute, he'd walloped a ball from the top of the D right at the goal.unfortunately, it hit the post, and with that the game was over.

Hornets Vs The Republic Empire (D0-0) - This was a much more friendly game without the appearance of young 'Billy,' and Hannah was most disappointed that she wouldn't get a second opportunity to rip chunks out of him and watch Ross get protective over her. The Hornets controlled most of the game with Jonny and Ross in midfield and Ellie, Emily and Mark all waiting up front for that goal-scoring pass. Unfortunately, it didn't come and the game ended in yet another draw.

With the arrival of Mike and the crafty steal of a giant dice from another team's camp, it was time to start re-living Folkestone and completely screw Mike over in the dice game. He'd already crashed his car that day before any alcohol had graced his lips, so that was one job out of the way. So the Hornets set about distributing all 5 fingers on every 5 they threw to Mike. Mike was the first in jail through his own good throwing and by the 3rd match of the day, our secret weapon could hardly stand up, let alone put his drag flick specialist skills to use!

Hornets Vs Byfleet Ramblers (L1-2 Ross) - There's always a bunch of tossers that you play on tour, and the cerise wearing badly named keeno's were it! They obviously hadn't had their first pint of the day whereas the Hornets had had several and really weren't in the mood for a serious game! We were lucky they only scored 2 goals, Bailey actually making his first few saves of the day, assisted by the crack defence of Pingers, Hannah and James, who weren't quite as crack as they had been in the previous 2 games. Ross started to get annoyed, and as he had donned the JR cowboy hat for this game, decided to take charge, running through mid-field, getting round the keeper and walloping a goal into the back of the net. This was to be our only consolation and as the final whistle blew, MJ suggested that someone should buy our opposition their first drink of the day, and on that note everyone was very relieved that we could get back to what really did matter.the drinking.

The trashing of Mike continued and he just kept drinking everything that we put in front of him.the Maltese home made wine.Caribbean twist and a few dashes of Irish cream. By the time we got to the last game of the day, all the Hornets were rather squiffy, our state not assisted by MJ introducing stupid drinking game rules such as no first names (apart from Gareth) and not being allowed to touch your face. But none of us were in quite such a state as Mike, who we left having a little snooze in Gareth's tent while we went off to play the last game of the day.

Hornets Vs Oggy Oggy Oggy (D0-0) - Yet another draw for the hornets. Gareth and Ross hung around up front and couldn't be bothered to do much apart from wind up some eejit in a stupid hat. By this point in the day, everyone was a little bit too hot and drunk and yet again the team we were playing were rather keen for our liking. Mark was doing his usual dribbling up the side of the pitch to cries of 'Two Hands!' from the rest of us, and the ball just went end to end with very little running in between. Ellie couldn't run round much just in case she ended up running off the pitch towards the toilets. Emily had the problem of not realising passes were meant to be for her and just letting them role past her and Jonny's step-over wasn't quite as effective on some massive guy playing in the middle. Fortunately for us, we managed to hold on until the whistle blew and yet another draw for the Hornets.

On arrival back at the tents it was clear that the snoozing Mike had done the disappearing act so James and Jonny spent the next hour hunting round trying to find him, worried he might have decided to go for a little drive! Luckily, one of the other teams campers came up and asked if we had lost a rather drunk player.we said yes and walked over to their camp to discover Mike had passed out in the middle of their camp and they had been writing and signing him whilst we had been playing the last game! So with that, we thanked the team for watching over him and promptly hauled him back to our camp and dumped him in the closest chair to feed him some water.

With the hockey finished for the day and the rediscovery of Mike, it was time for the hornets to get back to the other love of their! Gareth, in his wisdom, or greed decided that half an hour wait for the barbecue to crank up was just too long so found a pizza delivery number and we promptly ordered about 50 worth of grub to be sent to the school. Whilst waiting for the food to arrive we managed to get ourselves disqualified in the first round of the tug of war (last year we were finalists), because Norris was hanging onto James as anchorman and even stumbling Mike tried to help us. So, no free beer for the hornets, but it was no matter as we had a steady supply of our own. Melanie and Sam arrived with Melanie's long-awaited tour return, just in time for the pizza. Once we'd gorged ourselves (even Ellie managed to eat something) we continued to drink, but by this point some of us were feeling a little worse for ware (in Hertfordshire? - Ed) and rather sunburnt to really enthuse about the night ahead. What we needed was an injection of new enthusiasm. luckily Melanie and Sam were tour fresh and ready to provide such enthusiasm. Pingers had already leapt on Melanie when she had arrived, and as soon as they had made camp, we all trooped off up to the bar again for the second night of entertainment.

It was supposed to be Cowboys and Indians fancy dress but all the Hornets managed were a few cowboy hats. Ross, James Norris, and Jonny (in between snogging Emily, Jonny that is, not all of them) decided to teach Sam the rudimentary of 7's & 5's and before long, they had all grown rather bored of it, so decided to add a new twist to the game by playing 7's, 5's and 3's! The record for the night was reaching 8.well done boys! Meanwhile, Yengers and Melanie had sunk back into their old habit of running around dancing and playing cupid with members of the team, and I must say, Pingers love dust sprinkling work wonders on young Emily and Jonny.not that they needed much encouragement! Bailey stole Hannah's cowboy hat and sat quietly muttering something about southern heat, and being too much of a cold-blooded northerner. Ellie didn't fair much better and after drinking only water for most of the day and night, was promptly sick anyway so she might just as well have been drinking purple. <<<

----- Sunday -----

We all woke up on the Sunday feeling the twinges and stiffness of second day tour, the majority of us having been sleep deprived as some idiot had set off the clubhouse alarm for half the bloody night! Well, at least we could get a full breakfast.and I mean full and that's it, as the kitchen couldn't managed to make anything else apart from a full English! No sausage sandwiches, just full English. Mike hadn't moved all night from Gareth's tent so Norris had had to shack up with Emily and Yeng, (poor Jonny being left alone), but I'm sure the night was enjoyed by all!

Hornets Vs Ladyboy Juniors (L1-0) - Its always quite depressing when you play the bunch of kids on tour who blatantly haven't had near enough alcohol and are a bit too energetic for the last morning of tour. The situation wasn't helped by James and Norris deciding to have a p-flick competition during the game which left the rest of the team running back to defend which Mark did very well.even one handed! The goal they scored passed Bailey was rubbish, and up the other end Melanie hit the post, which was the closest we came to doing any scoring, and the game ended 1-0 to the children!

Hornets Vs Soon to be (W1-0 Norris) - It was the luck of the Irish in this game, that a stray pass was picked up by Norris up front, it was a one on one with the keeper and with a lucky scuff, the ball ended up in the back of the net! The team was obviously in shock that Gareth was now joint top scorer with Ross, so James decided that he would get Sam to do some what turned out to be good defending at the back and run around just passing to Jonny and no one else, much to the annoyance of Ross who had a go at both of them about it after the game. We probably should have scored more goals and I have a sneaky feeling that few of us watching from afar were quite concerned that Mark might even score.which would just have been awful, but much to our relief, it wasn't to be.

Hornets Vs Mixers (D0-0) - By this point, all hope of James staying at the back to defend was gone and Hannah, Yeng and Bailey were left to cope with the 8 on 3 attacks in the blistering heat! Never fear though.they had it covered and even with the rest of the team swanning around up front (all 13 of us), you would have thought at least one of the team would manage a goal, but in true hornet style the game ended goaless.

It was all a bit too hot for the Hornets on this day, and packing up tents in-between games was hard graft, but we managed to have packed up quite a lot before we even played the last game, assisted by Ross trying to keep everyone cool by lobbing water over everyone. Thanks Ross.

Hornets Vs Wee Mees (W1-0 Emily) - The last game of the day and Emily scored a goal.whoop whoop! She decided not to take the Norris approach and dribble around the keeper in front of the goal for half the day and then lose the ball, but put it right in the back of the net! Needless to say, both the team and Emily were very pleased that there was now another joint top scorer.not bad for a goalkeeper I suppose! We had started with 13 on the pitch in the hope that the oppo wouldn't notice.we were wrong and they kicked the extra baggage off the pitch, but we still managed to keep all the goals out, even with some very controversial umpiring. At least Mike actually managed to play this game, one of his first and only I might add, he even managed to do some nice one two's with Ellie down the right hand side of the pitch. With the final whistle, the Hornets had ended tour on a high note and it was back to camp to pack up what was left, as we obviously wouldn't be playing in the final.

With the Hockey over, some of the hornets took their leave of us. Jonny and Bailey headed back up north and Mark and Riley headed back to London. The rest of us trooped off to the Harvester (once Hannah's car had been jump-started by Melanie) for the usual after tour meal. The food was somewhat better than last year, ie not quite so brick like, apart from the rolls that were really quite stale. With the food munching over, everyone started to feel rather sad and tired at the prospect of driving home. We all said our goodbye's and went our separate ways feeling that this tour had been rather a good one.

Thank's to MJ for organising it all, and bring on Bath. As for the results, they speak for themselves. <<<

Team P W D L F A Dif Pts
Hornets 8 2 4 2 3 3 0 10

Goals: Gareth Norris, Ross McArdell, Emily Foster.

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