Guildford Festival 2004
Report & Photo Gallery

16-18 July

Guildford Mixed Festival
Broadwater School
Summers Road,
Godalming, Surrey

Report / Photos 1 / Photos 2

Tour Report

Friday / Saturday / Sunday

Fourteen weeks after Folkestone and the Hornets were back on their tour of UK Hockey festivals once more. With the anticipation of another weekend of snakebite and black, sleeping in a tent and some festival hockey, the squad was as follows;

Simon "Captain" Riley, Jon "Slim Camel" Kirby, James "Fat Camel" Kirby, Jolyon "Aristofat" Fallon, Fat Harry Potter Potato Boy Norris, Scott McArdell, Ross "I'm Big Nose's Boyfriend" McArdell, Hannah "I'm Big Nose's Girlfriend" Browster, Victoria H "Jublees" Hare, Catherine "Irish Cousin It" Dwyer, Becs "Moonie" Law, Victoria "Dirty Sanchez" Streatfeild, Yeng "Pingers" Ng, Marie "I've just shooed myself again" Smith and Aiden "Brian" Brock. <<<

----- Friday -----

It was the usual crowd of Hornets; the Camel Twins, Riley, Aido (but no Brian this time), who had taken the Friday off to get to Guidlford in good drinking time, set up tents and start the weekend off in true Hornet fashion. The hard working Hornets turned up early evening, with enough daylight left to set up tents. A much easier option that at 3am when blind drunk and covered in snakebite.

Once everyone had arrived, Hornets shirts on, we headed into the clubhouse bar. As with most of the first nights of festivals we were the first team there, and the drinking games began. The Queen drowned a number of times in pint after pint of snakebite and Jolyon lost his voice after a very loud shout of "Grenade".

Then the karoake began. The Hornets Girls (Yeng, Marie, Vix, Cat, Hannah, Becs and Victoria H) took the stage a number of times to sing hits such as Girls Wanna Have Fun. Scott sang Sweet Caroline, a tribute to his brother Ross and Hannah, and Riley, Tom, Vix and Jon for a brief moment believed they could actually sing. All, apparantly, in memory our Club President in Egypt! By 1am we were kicked out of the bar and headed to the concrete steps where the drinking continued, some of the Hornets started to kick a volleyball around and Victoria H managed to bruise her ankle. Mr and Mrs Big Nose sloped off to bed early claiming that they were "worn out" and Tom and Riley laid into the alcopops. No one dared to question their sexuality. <<<

----- Saturday -----

As is tradition, the Hornets arose is stages, wreeking of snakebite and black. Riley was the first up and headed into the clubhouse for a full English breakfast, including undercooked fried eggs. Comments of it looking like snot went down very well.

By 10.30am, now well fed, hungover and still extremely unfit, we headed to the waterbase pitch for our first game against Wee Mes. As always the Hornets looked as though they were suffering, missed a handful of chances infront of goal (most coming to Norris) and our passing was wayward. Suddenly, with ten minutes left on the clock, one of the opposition players flicks the ball high into the D, Jolyon, thinking that he was on a tennis court and not a hockey pitch, decides to try and stop the ball 2 feet above him. Not even a yell of "Mine!" from Aido can stop him. Penalty flick. Not even Jolyon can dispute the decision. Penalty misses the left post by a foot and blushes and certain drinking penalty is spared. Even more fortunately for us the opposition were even worse. Aido made some fantastic saves in goal and with Hannah and Riley keeping the defense just about tight enough - the final score Hornets 0 vs Weemes 0.

Snakebite still seeping from our skin, we sat on the side of the pitch and waited for our next game at 12.30 against Ladyboys Juniors. It seemed as if they had never heard of drinking and hangovers, so were far more lively than we were. Vix and James made good runs up the wing but they were just too keen for us in the end, and put four goals past us, with Ross scoring a well-deserved consolation ten minutes from time. Final Score Hornets 1 vs Ladyboys Juniors 4 (Ross 1)

With two defeats out of two the Hornets decided that their only option was to do what they do best - play drinking games and get drunk. Off to the bar we went to play everyone's favourite drinking game - 5's and 7's. It was Scott's 25th birthday and what better way to spend it than drinking on hockey tour. His present? A waterbomb kit and a day being the drinking partner of Jolyon! I swear he said at one point that it was the best present he had ever received. An honour given, as Victoria H will remember from Stratford last year, to the select few.

By the time our third game at 3pm, the Hornets had been drinking for three hours and stumbled onto the pitch to face Purple Nasties. Somehow the fact that we were pie-eyed seemed to vastly improve our game; our passing was smooth, Hannah played a blinder at the back, Scott and Jon made some great runs up the middle, Catherine and Becs controlled the wings and even Norris looked like he could score. I think they were almost as drunk as we were which made the game more enjoyable, eventually scoring the only goal of the game five minutes from time. Final Score Hornets 0 vs Purple Nasties 1

The final game of a very mixed day's hockey saw the mighty Hornets face Hamstead & Westminster. It seemed as though the oppo had never heard of the words "fun" and "festival" and started the game far more agressively - their captain barking orders of formation from the back. Sensing that this could be his time, Jolyon opted to play upfront for the first ten minutes. What a decision! Slim Camel passed to Norris who took the ball into the D. Norris shoots straight at the keeper, Jolyon following up, picks up the rebound, stoops low and lifted the ball slightly over the advancing keeper to slot the ball in the right corner. GOAL!!! His first goal in 6 years and what a finish (that's enough -Ed). That seemed to spark the Hornets into life - ten minutes later Ross slotted the ball home from close range. Meanwhile at the other end the battle of the tournament was happening. The oppo's No 7, a dyed - blond-haired homosexual called Billy, was being taken apart by Hannah - so much so that, after being stopped in his tracks at least ten times, started shoulder-barging - and still fell to the ground like a sack of over-cooked, fluffy potatoes. Even his teammates were apologising for his behaviour. Against the run of play they got a goal back. Jon and James then scored to put the game beyond reach. Our first win of the day - Final Score Hornets 4 vs Hamstead & Westminster 1 (Jolyon 1, Ross 1, Jon 1, James 1)

With all the games over for the day, and the snakebite and black slowly starting to wear off, the Hornets headed back to the tents to start the evening's drinking. Out came the cork and lighter, and so the game of ibble dibble began. Vix and Marie polished off a bottle of vintage Lambrini, James and Norris had their faces covered in cork marks and Owen, from the whackdaddies turned up to enjoy the evening's entertainment.

Then the real competition began - the tug-of-war! With a strong line up of James as the talisman, Norris, Yeng, Becs, Jon, Vix, Marie and Scott, the mighty Hornets reached the semi-finals before finally being beaten by the eventual winners. Close but no cigar (Norris has promised to feed himself with mars bars and kebabs in preparation of next year's competition).

With the thoughts of "We may not be able to play hockey but we are very good at tug-of-war", plus numerous pints of snakebite later we headed into the club bar, passing our friend Billy throwing his guts up - justice, they say, is a dish mixed with snakebite.

Arriving in the bar it seemed that none of us had taken any notice of the fact that it was a school disco night so, whilst everyone else was dressed up, the Hornets found a corner and promptly started drinking. What happened after that no one really remembers. Norris managed to improve diplomatic relations by pulling a femail member of the Tulse Hill team and Riley and Tom, who had had to go to a friend's 40th birthday party, returned and proceeded to play catch up, knecking doubles of vodka and red bull. By 1am we were kicked out and proceeded to the concrete steps outside the club to continue drinking. Vix, having decided that snakebite was for wimps, had started drinking vodka red bull earlier and suddenly went awol. Some accounts say that she found a tree and tried to climb it, others say that she fell asleep in the clubhouse. None of which, for obvious reasons, the scribe is going to confirm.

By the time most had gone to bed or passed out, the Fat Twin, much to everyone's amusement and then irritation, decided that he wasn't going to bed but would wake everyone up in the camp. Shouts of "Marie, Marie, can I share your pillow?" and "Victoria H, why have you kicked Jonny out of your tent? Poor Jonny" could be heard until 4am. Oh how we laughed.. <<<

----- Sunday -----

With the feeling of dry mouths and hangovers once more, the Hornets woke. James had lost his voice and Tom's tent had somehow gained a skylight. First game was at 10am was a clash with University rivals Cambridge University. Fortunately they seemed to have had a few too many the night before so were suffering almost as much as we were. The game was fairly unmemorable and they clinched a winner five minutes from time. Final Score Hornets 0 vs Cambridge University 1.

Tired and sweaty we headed to the bar for pints of orange and lemonade to rest and enjoy watching our old friend Billy sit with his head between his knees for an hour, and then proceeded to boo him everytime he got the ball! Slightly mean but it seemed appropriate!

By 12.30 we were back in action, this time against the Smurfs. Finally a team who looked worse than we did and had been painted light blue on Friday night. As a result the match was fairly dull, loads of tackles missed. Five minutes from time Riley ran into the D, skinned two defenders, evaded a stick tackle, the keeper then fell over and he put the ball away into the open goal (Norris would have missed it though!) Final score Hornets 1 vs Smurfs 0 (Riley 1)

In the knowledge that we had no chance of getting into the semi-finals, our final game was at 2.30pm against NAWT. With a national league player called Will (or was it Dafyd?) they looked to be quite a useful side. That was until our very own national league player, Scott, playing a blinder as sweeper, decided to take him apart. Fifteen minutes in, James received a pass from his brother, took it to the left of the first defender, diddled the second with a step over and took it to the right and then knocked it into bottom left to leave everyone amazed!! He tried to let out a loud cheer but fortunately for the rest of us he had lost his voice. Not to be out done by his brother, Jon scored a tap in (he claims it was reverse flick), and Katherine scored a goal that was the result of link up play from the girls, (Marie, Becs, Yeng and Hannah). Final Score Hornets 3 vs NAWT 0 (James 1, Jon 1, Katherine 1)

With the hockey part of the tour finally over, the Hornets, looking jaded, packed up their tents and headed for the nearest Harvester. After Ross had enjoyed his cheese and chips brick and Vix had a coughing fit when a pea got lodged in her throat, it was time to say our goodbyes as we all headed our separate ways. A big thank you has to go to Jon and Si for organising the tour. Roll on Bath in one week! <<<

Jolyon Fallon
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