Guernsey Easter Festival 2005
Report & Photo Gallery


Guernsey Easter Festival
Guernsey Hockey Club
Footes Lane, Guernsey

Report / Photos 1 / Jon's MobCam / Photos 3

Tour Report

Thursday / Friday / Saturday / Sunday / Monday

Guernsey Hockey Festival 2006 - The team:
Various (GK), MJ, Jonny Kirby, James Kirby, Mike 'Hogger' Selby, Gareth Norris, Ross McArdell (Sausage), Si Riley, Cat Dwyer, Ellie Gardener, Hannah Browster, Melanie (Monkey) & Sam Withey. <<<

It was a change of scenery this year for the Hornets with a trip to the Island of Guernsey for the first time. Some of the Hornets had decided to grace the isle with their presence for a whole week while others had chosen just to come out for the tournament. Monkey, Sam, Ross and Hannah had racked up to Fauxets Valley campsite on the Tuesday, having already taken advantage of the duty free at the airport coming armed with 2 bottles of vodka and 2 bottles of baileys. This was going to be a painful week!

Whilst the early arrivals had hired bikes to ride round the coastline, Gareth, Ellie, James and Mike arrived on the Wednesday and trekked to the local co-op to stock up on the necessaries, food and lots and lots of alcohol. They all joined forces later on and decided it was only appropriate to take over the campsite's TV room and watch the footie and play drinking games to start off the week. <<<

----- Thursday -----

The Hornets gathered with other teams at La Colinette Hotel bar, a somewhat bizarre and very beige place to hold the first social of a hockey tour. It was certainly good to get that first taste of purple back into the bloodstream, and with all hornets present, drinking partners were duly awarded. Team Ireland made its comeback and was joined by Team Bath (Han&Mel), Team Boyfriend (Ross&Sam), Team Swapsies (Jonny&Ellie), Team Handicap (Mike&James) and Team London (Mark&Riley) Mike proceeded to get very very drunk as usual and then get rather lewd and up-close and personal with the ladies on the dance floor.

There were no games to be had today either... which was probably just as well. A few (hundred) pre-tour drinks were the order of the evening and for the bemused residents of the hotel we can only heartily apologise... how everyone made it home is a mystery but with the average taxi fare of £2.34 to go round the whole island twice, the 'long way home' was never going to break the bank! <<<

----- Friday -----

The 'official' first day of the tour and a scary 10am start. The Hornets were ready, at least, if not willing and duly wandered off to the pitch... or at least MJ & RIley did. Sadly, Guernsey taxi firms aren't quite as reliable as their mainland counterparts... either that or they got stuck behind a flock of sheep crossing - so the rest were a tad delayed. Suffice to say that the match started 15mins late... and judging by the final scoreline that was probably a blessing in disguise.

Match 1: Pool B: vs Plymouth L0-4
Every festival has one and the Hornets always seem to be drawn against them. So game one began versus Team Keen. Perhaps the word festival hasn't filtered down to Plymouth or maybe they are too 'viilage' too understand. They ran around a bit heavy handed and lobotomised cheering their superiority like a group of mid 1940s Arian Supremecists. Sure they won and progressed through most of their games to make it to the final on Sunday. Suffice to say that the ensite festival was routing for 'anybody else' and were suitably rewarded when Plymouth bottled it and lost to Guernsey on flicks. Ahhhh, justice...

Match 2: Pool B: vs Pageant Queens L1-2 (Norris)
The second match was over on the show pitch in front of the clubhouse. As there was a slight lack of mixed teams, the womens teams had been lumped into the same pool. This resulted in many random rules like 'boys can't shoot, tackle, score or really take part'. Suffice to say that for this games there wasn't a real danger of that happening. The sun was out, the beer was flowing and Norris was up front. An early lead was squandered to the overpowering and professional interplay of the 11 girls in pink, with tiaras and sashes... oh and an average age of 16. Still there was enough maturity to see Ross getting his arse kicked - albeit very cynically! A rubbish game that deserved every single humiliating moment of defeat.

So, back to drining and playing games. The pitch had given us no joy but had meant we were hurtling into the Plate instead of tha Cup. Never a bad thing for a team that ooozed quality, rarely conspired to unleash it but always fancied a little bit of silverware!

Of course the inevitable dice made an appearance as did 21s and 7s & 5s. The varied two person teams were carried through from yesterday and Cat continued to be a major handicap for Nozza. A new introduction to this year's 'games' saw the advent of the mafia game... suffice to say that Melanie is too good (well she is CID) after all and she was invairably eliminated at the start of every game... shortly followed by Jonny and then Norris... 'cos they deserved it.

The hornets also found out what the massive bell in the bar was for... ringing it meant that you had to buy a beer for everyone who was in the bar... the ringing happened, the buying didn't. Suffice to say that the 'village' rules don't apply to the diplomatically immune mainlanders - or so we said! This left time to play a few games of wink murder. Sadly, Hogger is either very crap or has some bizarre kind of facial parkinsons and as a consequence lost very badly... very very badly. <<<

----- Saturday -----

A much much later start today and the only game of the day saw a lie-in combined with early drinking. However, this time there was something to play for. A win here would secure the team the best of the draw in the Plate competition and almost ensure a place in the final... mainly because our semi-final oppo would be so bad they'd struggle to beat an egg.

Match 3: Pool B: vs Lydney Hockey W3-0 (Norris, Cat, Mel)
The awesome might of the hornets saw this match move up a gear into neutral. Ellie battered the oppo goalie and did everything but score. Injured mudflaps... hurt the oppo.... mullured the post. Fortunately there was Norris there to offer a perceived threat which drew the markers, allowing both Cat and Mel to score. Nozzer then chipped in with a pathetic haf-arsed attempt that squeezed in by sheer fluke. Still the sem-final beckoned and the hornets were now on-song.

With the entire day's games behind us it was time to adjourn back to the bar for the next few hours! James was coerced by the home team into doing a 'Cement Mixer,' which was basically a funnel with the added attraction of a bilge pump inside that pushed the alcohol out even faster. James did ever so well, so with that, drinking partner Mike also stepped up to the challenge, although this time, they turned up the pump so that poor mike's eyes nearly popped out of his head from the pressure.

While Riley & Mark went into town to enjoy the chavtastic delights of St. Peter Port 's nightlife, the rest of the hornets headed back to their campsite for an evening of table football, tennis table and copious amounts of drinking. Team Big Hands which consisted of Norris and Hogger proved unbeatable at the table football and later on in the evening, the wink murder game developed into 'Wink Ping Pong' which consisted of turning out all of the lights and trying to hit each other with the ping pong ball. <<<

----- Sunday -----

Amazingly, all of the hornets managed to arrive at the pitch on time, despite the late night antics of the previous night. With all to play for it was going to be a cracker of a day... classic zero to hero stuff.. with the heros ending up as Plate winners by the end of the last match.

Match 4:Plate Semi-Final: vs Westgate W3-0 (Ellie x2, Own Goal)
Well the oppo were total poo and the most hung-over any team has ever been. The skills of blind paraplegics and that was the players who weren't vomiting by the pitch side. A clinical performance by mainly Ellie saw her bag a brace and terrorise the oppo throughout. Hannah nearly manged a goal but a fluke deflection by the defender suddenly turned the ball goal bound and it plopped into the net... Own Goal!! Hannah has still never scored... on the pitch! The hornets were victorious and within touching distance of the spoils.

Match 5: Plate Final: vs Alcoholics Utd W3-0 (James, Norris, Mel)
A short hours break and the tense final was underway... again on the show pitch. The Alcoholics put up a brave fight early on but simple drag flicks, reverse-low-backhands and tap-ins saw them broken early. A catalogue of missed chances just meant the score line stayed respectable but the game was by no means that close.

With the end of that match came the end of the hockey. MJ was requested by the festival organiser to umpire the Men's Semi-Final. A few too many sheberts, a lack of concentration and lack of skill saw him award a goal that was dubious at best - which ultiamtely punished the Clubhouse Causals when they were knocked out 3-2. Ooooops, oh what the hell its only a festival... isn't it? When quizzed on the incident Mark replied "I blame the other umpire and anyway f@ck the lot of them for being too keen.".... hmmm nuff said.

later on that afternoon we watched the men's final between the Guernsey home team and Cardiff University and all I'm going to say is 'PUT IT AWAY NUMBER 33!' (Ed: Cardiff won).

We were all getting a little tired so decided there was only one way of combating it and decided to get totally smashed rather quickly. We ended up at quarter to midnight with the taxi's coming at 12.00am with 12 pints of snakebite without the black on the table.and a funnel. It was time for the girls to step up and all of the girls did funnels, some more successful than others. Catherine proved yet again how the Irish could drink and completed 2 funnels without spilling a drop, whilst most of Ellie's splayed all over the floor and herself. Melanie's was slow but effective and even Hannah managed her first ever funnel without getting to much booze on herself. It was about time Jonny did some more drinking so he also stepped up for a funnel, but was none too impressed when Ellie topped up his funnel with another pint half way through.

With the alcohol spent, it was time to go and wait for the taxi's which were yet again late, so Gareth kept us all amused with a round of 'Anglia Rangers' and 'Chicago's.' <<<

----- Monday -----

Riley and Mark came to pick up Jonny and Catherine for their flight home so half the goodbye's were done and they left the remaining hornets to recover from the previous nights activities, which mainly consisted of James and Sam climbing the big tree outside our tents and Samuel then getting stuck and having to be shoved up by the butt by Hannah. It then took him about ten minutes to get up the courage to jump down from the does this man catch criminals!

We ended up in the swankiest restaurant ever for the end of tour hornet meal where everyone looked at us rather disapprovingly, especially when Melanie came back from the toilet, pointed out there were individual towels to wipe your hands on and a laundry bin to put them in afterwards, and Mike stated as loud as you like that he has going to 'rub his cock on them.' It was a very nice meal, £10 for 3 courses, however, it obviously wasn't that filling as after going to a couple of pubs, we headed back to camp and proceeded to cook a whole load of pasta, which was washed down by some very nasty forfeit drinks! We played the matchbox blowing game which Ross was particularly poor at and lost heavily, then proceeding to fall backwards off his chair and being so drunk that he couldn't get up again.needless to say, everyone was too busy laughing at him to help him.

Many thanks to Melanie for playing Mum with the taxi booking and organisation of the troops, and to Mark for entering us into the tournament. Well done to everyone else for managing to get there and back under their own steam.

See you all at Guildford... its gonna be a riot! <<<

The results were as follows:

Guernsey Tour








So congratulations to the Hornets for another memorable and enjoyable Guernsey tour. Thanks to everyone that came along and don't forget to sign up and pay for Guildford asap... <<<

Hannah Browster & MJ
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