Folkestone 2005
Easter Festival Tour
Report & Photo Gallery

25 - 28 March

Folkestone Mixed Festival
The Pavillion, County Ground
Cheriton Road,
Folkestone, Kent
CT19 5JU

Report / Photos 1 / Photos 2 / Photos 3 / Photos 4 / Photos 5

Tour Report

Friday / Saturday / Sunday / Monday

And so the story draws to a close... the last visit of the Hornets to the Folkestone Easter Tour. But who would take on such a mission? A special team was needed to leave an impression upon the festival organisers to ensure they never forgot the hornets. The volunteers for this tricky task, some old and some new, were as follows:

Men: Tim Bailey (GK), MJ, Jon Kirby, James Kirby, Scott McArdell, Ross McArdell, Gareth Norris, Aidan Brock & Mike Selby.

Ladies: George Sykes (GK), Victoria H, Catherine Dwyer, Bex Law, Hannah Browster, Ellie Gardener, Hazel Wordley & Fran Root.

Of course, a special mention should go to the original Cling-on Dave... well it should go but it wont. Fortunately, a pot of 2-day-old gravy and a few thousand hints later he returned to whence he came from... no-one was sure where that was - or cared. Although, maybe Tim has an idea as he invited him back to the Hotel to share a room!!! Its roight friendly ooop norf... not to mention a little muddy! <<<

----- Friday -----

And so it begins, an early start for all and beaming sunshine throughout the home counties. Life is sweet - or so they say. Of course, "They" presumably don't get over-excited on the M20 on the way down and wonder why they've run out of country and end up sitting in Dover ensconsced in some kind of bizarre sea-fog trying to work out how they hell "they" missed an entire town the size of Folkestone... maybe the new tour CD was just too good or the inclusion of the Baywatch theme tune had subliminal messages about going further down the coast!?!?! A short detour later (or U-turn) and the team began to filter into Folkestone itself.

The town centre was awash with chavactivity (sp?) and it was hard to decide between having an 'instant' (no less) photo taken with a brace of owls or watching the 'christian dance-off' outside the town hall... needless to say the music was drowned out by the sound of cash registers from the nearby H. Samuel & Elizabeth Duke as they competed to sell their stocks of sovereign rings and garish 'paste' diamond earrings. Having wandered past local snack bar "Amarillo" and having to "show the way to" George & Cat (honest! - Ed) there was time to quickly grab a fried breakfast before racing to the festival ground and narrowly avoid become a sad bit part in "Invasion of the Chav Snatchers" which was clearly being filmed nearby...

Arrival at the ground and registration took very little time at all. Fortunately, before the first game there was time to collect the trophy (well the games are only a formality after all), chat to the organisers, welcome the new hornets and sink a couple of purples. But inevitably, hockey intruded - rather rudely - on the drinking... so off to the first game it was... rather unsurprisingly it wasn't on either the show pitch or the astro but round the back, out the way, near the housing estate! The hornets were to play all round imaginatively titled and good sports 'Deal'. However, for this year they had decided to come from Deal with a crap name, 'Deal', and be a bunch of nobbers.

1220 Anglia Hornets vs Deal L2-1 Norris (1)
Within seconds of pushback it was clear that the team we were playing had been injected with equal amounts of 'keen' and 'tosser'... a lethal combination of drugs that can kill off any festival! In what was an unremarkable game the only high points were Victoria H & Bex managing to actually arrive at the tour before the game was finished and Mark smacking a ball so uncharacteristically hard and accurate that it went in-off Gareth's stick (leg) before he had a chance to react and miss it. Deal scored a couple of goals and the hornets went through the motions until Frodo finally blew the 'beer' whistle.

Another classic hornet start to a tour, a shambles. The only way to put it right was to concentrate on something that no other team could better us at... if not the hockey - then the drinking! There was another match looming but there was plenty of time to relax in the sunshine and sink the purple from a plastic jerry-can dispenser - all the rage these days. A mere hour and a half had passed and it was already time to think about another bout of the stick/ball thing. Someone had actually put some though into the fixtures this year and the hornets were pleased to note that they were sitting next to the pitch they were going to be playing on! Reeeesult... well, sort of. "Cry havoc & let slip the dogs of war", was clearly not a phrase that had sprung to mind as the team ambled onto the pitch amidst shouts of "Don't bother Norris, have a seat."

1550 Anglia Hornets vs Cat Burglers W3-3 Ross (1) Catherine (1) Scott (1) astro
One of those games that can only be considered a winning draw. Our only 'official' astro game of the day and there was a little too much running and too little passing. Still you'd have thought the 1-2-2-6 formation would work in the hornets favour as they use it so often. But we the team got burgled! Bucket-loads of chances went wide, over, round, out, through but not in. Of course, most of the Burglers' attacks seemed to result in goals... perhaps Bailey's predilection with gravy could have been put on hold in favour of a fascination with 'saves'. Still he was as well protected as a chocolate oven glove! As the game drew a close, the scores grew to match. Game two over and already the performances were on the up - the tea never could play sober.

Day one's games were now over and the results were pretty pony... one loss and one draw. Perhaps the lack of mud on the astro put off the northern contingent??? Back to the bar in earnest to get 'on it' as the Essex posse amongst us were heard to shout. Judging by the activities later on, "getting on it" was just as likely to refer to beer as it was to other people!!!

After a couple of hours of senseless drinking, involving drinking games that couldn't get past more than five people before someone completed ham-fisted it and stitched themselves up, it was clear that the team were bored with Aido and wanted Brian to come and play. This could have been a mistake at this time of night as bringing out Brian too earlier, gives Dave a look in before the night is out! However, Aido duly lost the next round of ibble frog cookies sevens twenty-ones dive-game (or whatever) and stepped up to take his punishment. While certain American states would have baulked at the penalty - Aido did not. Taking the 3/4 full bottle of wine in hand he skolled the lot... to the chorus of "Aido's rubbish, we want Brian!" ringing out through the bar!!!

Having suitably ruined Aido, it was time to move onto the move serious games... like Ibble dibble! The rules were uncertain, but the judges weren't! Fran, one of the new recruits, was soon walking around like a bad case of measles and George wasn't looking much better... if indeed it was George under all those black splodges. At this point the bottle of wine caught up with Aido and ushered in Brian... two minutes later before Dave even got a snifter of arriving the ghost of Riley awoke within Aido and auto-piloted him straight back to the hotel... it was barely 9pm and the hornets were already one down!

The disco started and the hornets pretty much let it take care of itself. Disco's are good like that, they don't need too much supervision and there are always some lonely weirdos to keep it company. One such weirdo burst in to the officially designated 'Hornets drinking chamber' and declared that the hornets were all 'gay', 'lazy' and 'unsociable'! This obviously came as a surprise to everyone apart from the person declaring it. Ten minutes later it was clear that ignoring this guy wasn't going to get him to go away (1st team players are like that!), so it fell to the Hornets Captain, MJ, to intervene... within moments the guy had left... moments later he returned with 25 sambuca's. You can always rely on Mark in a crisis! Another new recruit, Hazel, who had, up until this point, been studiously pouring her beer away, spilling it, losing it and generally not keeping up - suddenly declared that she was going to get 'proper drunk' to prove herself... and she promptly blagged 5 of sambuca's and polished them off!

And so the inevitable call of 'Amarillo', 'Baywatch' & 'Gold' dragged the team onto the dance floor where more mayhem could be caused. The team attacked the three 'S's with gusto... slipping, spilling & snogging. The dancing went on until the early hours at which point Aido made a surprise and drunken reappearance and promptly tried to buy every Smirnoff Black in the bar.

The team - well those who hadn't sneaked off for early nookie with their 'partners' - started to ebb away back to Sunny Lodge Guest House a mere 15mins down the road. A simple, short journey, that for one night only was fraught with dodging raw eggs thrown by a speeding Chav in a white escort. Maybe it'll catch-on, it could become an Olympic sport but unlikely, still it stops them ram-raiding the jewellery counter at Argos of an evening! <<<

----- Saturday -----

Early in the morning and time to rise... it has to be early as it gets quite busy with people wandering around the landing trying to (a) get back to their own room, (b) still trying to get into someone else's room, (c) trying to get back to their own hotel, (d) trying for the only hot shower, (e) wanting the best seat at breakfast or (f) generally trying to get away from the snoring/smelly feet in their room. Some bright spark had scheduled our first game for 10am... bastard! Clearly, there was going to be a struggle - a fair amount of the players were never going to make it... especially Bex who was still puking!

1000 Anglia Hornets vs Edgehogs W4-2 Bailey (3) Ross (1)
Those that could or would made their was down to the pitch to 'perform' in the first game. Norris was one of the absentees... normally a reason to cheer but on this occasion a slight problem. Over half the team had their stuff in his car and were going to have to make do. Bailey had no keeper's kit he went up front and did a half-decent job! George was, however, devastated... having come on tour as a keeper knowing there was already another keeper, she was sincerely hoping to get away without donning the kit even once... unlucky! MJ had no stick and so promptly bought one - well within his price range but sadly way outside his skill range. Still it looked pretty good!

It was early, the hornets were tired and a little hung-over. However, the opposition had a fog horn. Having used it two-three times for 'humourous' announcements the hornets promptly stepped up their game and pulverised the Edgehogs.

Sadly, the end of the game marked the time for George to go off to some random wedding - not hers apparently, so not a good enough excuse! The team were boosted by the return of Aido and Gareth - therefore all the kit as well! Another quality scheduling moment meant that there was only a short time before the next game, which in turn meant that the hockey would be done and dusted early and the proper drinking could begin. Luckily the festival was next to Safeway - cash back city... also good for buying mop buckets and more cider & lager.

1330 Anglia Hornets vs Southend W3-1 Elliot (2) MJ (1)
And so the third game was here and in true Big Brother Style - Norris was voted out. The team played in orange and were a bit too keen, fortunately the hornets could rely on being a little too good for them. So good in fact that there were able to play 8yr old Elliot & MJ up front and still win! Much of the credit has to go to Hannah at the back and Victoria H & Bex swapping so often that the opposition were totally confused... well at least until Victoria H got a hefty tonk on the knee and retired to the side. While the result was never in doubt the opposition seemed quite keen on playing the full hour anyway... misguided hope or sick perversion? Who could tell... as the final whistle went the race for the bar was on.

In every club there are teams within teams, jostling for superiority and notoriety. Suffice to say don't go up against Jones & Kirby... they'll win. But only after using dirty tactics by getting the DJ & Festival organiser to lie. Ellie was ostracized by both groups and earnt the new nickname 'judas' after trying to play off both sides to ensure she ended up with the winners - cynical! And so the evening began, albeit at about 4pm. Time for a hard-core, no-holds-barred game of Jenga - or as it was known in these parts Bugga. Quite frankly, being Bugga'd with one of those would leave you with serious splinters and your eyes watering enough to fill a paddling pool! Tour Jenga - high stakes, 7+ players... there was everything to play for. Both Ross & Scott showed their mastery of the blocks and even Hazel & James had a passable amount of skill. Sadly, Aido has hands like jack-hammers and proceeded to lose very badly and taking out most of the spectators in the process.

As the evening progressed the other teams were slowly drawn like moths into the Hornets flames. First blood was to Hazel who became the self-appointed ambassador to the Dutch team. Having always been friendly to the Dutch she was encouraged to make them feel as welcome as she could... ever noticed how all touring Dutch men look identical? Greasy slick back hair that curls up at the end and eyes that are slightly too close together? Oh and a baseball cap on back to front!

Having lost a hornet earlier in the day, one was gained late in the afternoon. Mike rocked up looking fresh as a daisy. Sadly, having missed a day of tour, not wearing a tour shirt, missing four games, being late, not having the right kit, holding his beer with the wrong hand etc. etc. meant that he had to be fined quite badly upon arrival. He took it all in good spirits... sorry, that should read... with good spirits! Sadly, later on he decided to move his car to somewhere safer and ended up crashing into the wall and snapping the front wheel off - oooops! He could have consoled himself back at the hotel later if he hadn't been too drunk to make it back there! Rumour has it that there was a band on this night... if there was then they were rubbish and they took up too much space. Still nice of them to make the effort!

Things weren't going to well that night as the extended gap between the end of the last game and hometime was taking its toll. Mike's car had already succumbed but the next casualty was to be Ross' shorts. If you are too drunk to be able to hold in your poo then you have drunk too much. It is always advisable to 'clear yourself out' before you go drinking. Still at least Hannah was on hand to help her boyfriend over the accident!

Of course it is always advisable to be careful about whom you bring home. Having spent the best part of the day (and yesterday) trying to get rid of Cling-on Dave... Bailey promptly invited him back to stay at the hotel. Cling-on or Rent-boy... you decide?

Finally, if you are the only person whose phone number everyone has then you really must turn your phone off at night. Multiple lost door keys are not the answer to an interrupted night's sleep!!! <<<

----- Sunday -----

Some bastard put the chuffing clocks forward by an hour! What for? So the match we were supposed to play, that the opposition didn't turn up for, was even more convenient?!?!? Farmers are all bastards... why don't they get up earlier? It's not as if the sheep care what time they get buggered is it?

1110 Anglia Hornets vs Winchester (Walkover) 17-0 Bailey (16) MJ (1) Norris (0)
Unsurprisingly there was no opposition for this game. Another early start and another win... every cloud has a silver lining! Sadly, it transpired that, Winchester had only turned up with 5 players... one had got injured and gone home the day before, the remaining four were made up of 3 other girls who were still in bed, and the really drunk guy that had taken a shine to Fran on Friday and was still drunk and fumbling around the clubhouse from then!

It was not a day to be a toilet... morning sickness hit hard for James / Jon / Bex / Bailey and they all pounded the porcelain with as much gusto as they could. Safety goggles were handed out to ensure that the splash back didn't accidentally blind anyone.

Sadly time to say adios to another part-time hornet!!! Bex had to go to travel back to Wales... she left muttering something about a Grand Slam (dodgy doors in the hotel) and her passport needing to be renewed! Not to worry though as Bex's quota of beer was split up and everyone drank a little bit more for the team.

1700 Anglia Hornets vs Outlanders W2-1 Catherine (1) MJ (1)
It is never a good recipe for a game when the fiirst game is scheduled early... the clocks go forward... the opposition don't turn up... the bar is opened... and the next game is at 5pm in the rain. The hornets won - although amongst some controversy. It was cold & wet but Catherine who is sneaking up the all-time Hornets scoring chart (6th at the moment) managed to get a cracking strike that rattled... something. The oppo equalised but then the hornets struck back. Aido, umpiring (while having a wee, with his eyes closed behind a shed) deemed the goal disallowed - his disallow was promptly disallowed and the goal stood. As it was still cold the final whistle was blown and the bar, once again, was calling with its evil siren temptresses allure... so off we went.

Things were not looking good - way too much had been drunk and there was still far too much time to go until it was acceptable to go back to the hotel. In fact the 'school disco' themed event was still an hour away. Back to a side a side room, door closed and the hornets could get on with drinking without interruptions...

The school disco began in the room next door - no-one noticed! Even Catherine who has a compulsive desire to steal school ties from boys form opposition teams could not be stirred away from the drinking... well until a bit later at least! When it finally was time to venture out the dance floor was rammed with - what can only be termed - perverts... some of these people hadn't been at school for 25 years! In true hornet style we had forgone the 'school uniform' look for the tour shirt look! There were actually two reasons... firstly, it is a crime to remove your tour shirt while on tour and secondly, both Hazel & Fran needed to keep their uniforms clean for school the following week!!!

There was still time to celebrate with a last drink for Scott before he departs to go travelling in the next couple of weeks. Sadly, for Scott the last drink was made up from everything on the top shelf (3 times) and god only knows what else. Suffice to say, it cost over £25 and he downed it in one... good lad.

And a while later as the evening drew to a close - many people (who had watched the Lord of the Rings) expressed their worries about the Hobbits all being killed off and the Shire overrun. Fortunately, Aido and Fran did their best to ensure that Gandalf would always have companions. <<<

----- Monday -----

The final morning for the final in time Folkestone, a tearful experience - bidding farewell to such a beautiful town and the rose amongst the thorns that is Linda & Brian's Sunny Lodge Guest House. With no formally organised matches there was no rush to be out the hotel... so consequently no-one rushed at all! Finally, everyone checked out around 11am and made their way to the clubhouse to survey the damage from the Festival... the consensus was that Mike's car was the winner.

There was time to squeeze in one final game before it was time to depart. And an astro game to boot!

Anglia Hornets vs Kent U18s L3-6 Scott (1) Jon (1) Catherine (1)
This was not the smartest choice of opponents. It has to be said that a combination of the classic hornet formation of 1-2-8, the 7th game of tour, having been pissed solidly for three days, very little sleep and playing a bunch of skilful U18s wasn't working in our favour. Having kept it tight during the first half, it went awry in the 2nd... badly. The highlight was Scott's goal being battered in one handed from above the shoulder... the lowlight being their six goals, 4 of which nutmegged the hapless Tim in goal - and two of them scored by his own rent boy!

And with the final whistle blown it was time to bring the tour to a close. Those that hadn't had to rush off to travel back went off in search of a post-tour meal down the local Brewers' Fayre. But before everyone left there was time to squeeze out a few more photos and to wander around aimlessly trying to hang onto some vestige of tour before real life rudely interrupted once more.

The results table ended up as follows...

Team P W D L F A Dif Pts
Hornets 7 4 1 2 22 14 +8 13

Goals: Catherine Dwyer (3), Tim Bailey (3), Ross McArdell (2), Scott McArdell (2), Mark Jones (2), Gareth Norris & Jon Kirby.

Thanks to everyone who made it to the last Folkestone Tour and a hearty welcome to all the new Hornets who couldn't have fitted in better. Time to search for a new Easter tour for the next three years... any suggestions? Answers on a postcard please!!! <<<


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